Oh Really?

Moral of the picture above: If you thought bosses belong to the Mesozoic era, you couldn't be more mistaken. They have caught up fast and how! Its not that employees have run out of novel excuses to bunk the day off (one of my colleagues said he injured his left toe and hence could not drive down to office... WTF!! What is your left toe expected to do at work anyway? Do the samba with the office hottie?) The point being - employees will continue to be at their innovative best... the trick is how to make your excuse look genuine and back it up with facts. It certainly won't help if said colleague turns up in the pink of health at the annual sack-race the next day and goes on to beat the others by a mile. A little limping about and a thick bandage around the 'unfortunate' toe (for added effect) will serve the purpose adequately. Also don't take the day off saying you have constipation and end up posting pictures of you and the gang at the local pizza parlor, ODing on your tenth cheese-burst pizza. The cure for constipation isn't aiming for some more constipation. So folks, faff if you want to... but be careful.... your boss is lurking about in your facebook/twitter profile... keeping count of how many animals you bred in your zoo in Farmville (the most irritating game on FB) or how many mafia members you 'iced' in Mafia Wars (irritating again, but highly addictive!).... beware guys! The big boss is always on the prowl for lil' tidbits on you and your virtual hang-abouts! ;)

*Pic courtesy: http://krishashok.wordpress.com/

Confessions of the Honest kind

She isn't here, again. That naturally means I HAVE to fill in her unwanted shoes - this woeful predicament including cleaning/mopping the house, tossing up some godawful-preparation-that-more-or-less-resembles-chapatis, feeding salty bhajis/watery dals to dad & sis (they're probably pleading for mercy by now), filling empty refrigerator bottles (bottomless pits, I tell you), washing utensils, drying clothes, buying vegetables from the swindling bhajiwaala, attending the door (incredibly irritating especially when you're in the midst of burning a perfectly rhombus-shaped chapati), picking up the screaming telephone (ok ok.... I ignore 9 out of 10 calls) and what not! And to top it all - it is such a thankless exercise. Retribution is merely a mirage. Exactly 10 minutes after you've transformed the kitchen into a sparklingly clean place (no magic wand, mind you.... a humble mop does it after 20 minutes of back-breaking effort), devoid of the colossal mess it was half-an-hour ago, it reverts back to its original dumpy state. Classic case of the Midas un-touch. How tremendous is that? Even for someone with the patience of a saint (me), it is extremely exasperating! By now I passionately *hate* household chores, cooking topping the list.... I'm a disaster, you'd rather starve than gulp down any of my pathetic culinary attempts! I wasn't born to do it (yeah yeah... silver spoon and all). My friends tell me with profound wisdom, "Accha 'training' ho raha hai...." Deep, huh? Lord help the unfortunate recipient of all this 'training' that I'm undergoing. He should go jump off a cliff right now and save himself some serious constipation.

So there it is.... I feel SO much better, now that I've got it down in writing and you, poor reader, as usual have to bear the full brunt. The whining 'ol Avanti is back with a dustbin bag.... err.... I mean - bang!!

Anyway, coming to brighter, more promising things.... I have been tagged by the lovely, much-too-generous Anu. Why she (or anyone else) should consider me tag-worthy boggles even the smartest of minds; and since I've hardly ever been famous for having one, I'll cut the needless ruminating about. So, without further ado, I hereby obediently respond to Anu's tag, the awful delay notwithstanding:

Here's the deal - I must enlist 10 honest things about myself. Ha! I think I've been more honest than a real estate agent trying to palm off a haunted house to you. People often ask why I disclose so much about myself in such a public forum. I say it is because I have nothing to hide. Quite simple it is.

I might as well compile the list rightaway. Statutory Warning: If and when you reach the end of this post, most of you will think I'm a freak. Its tough to pick only 10 of my freakiest habits, but a list must end somewhere. So here it goes:

1. I obsess. Over inconsequential things that I ought not to obsess over. Like that renegade drop of water on the floor or the oil ring that a bottle of oil leaves behind (mop comes out immediately, fierce scrubbing ensues). Also other stupid, silly things like which side of the bed sheet covers my face (I tie a little knot at one end to identify the side, so that the side that shrouds the legs will never cover my face the next time), the number of times I should wash my hair in a week, cleaning of own plates/spoons with a paper-napkin before dining at a restaurant, flushing a public toilet even if it has been flushed clean by the previous occupant, the placement of things on my desk (can't leave their slotted place) and other such freaksome habits. So yeah, I suffer from a mild bout of OCD. Painful stuff.

2. I love compliments. Who doesn't? But wait, here's when it gets funny. When I do get a generous word of praise or two, I just don't bluhdy know how to handle it! Sample this -

Instance 1:

Person A: "Nice earrings, Avanti!"

Avanti: Oh, they are? I think they make my ears droop....

(*wouldn't mind if you'd slapped me right then*)

Instance 2:

Person B: " Wow! You drive the car really well"

Avanti: "Yeah well, you see that dent there - I bumped into a big bad bus the other day....."

(*you can shoot me too now*)

Instance 3:

Person C: "That was a brilliant report, Avanti!"

Avanti: "Yeah, but I don't like the 2 spelling errors I made... I just don't know HOW it happened...!"

(Did anyone say modesty is a virtue? Well, I should be hanged for it)

3. Despite the alleged 'opulent' lifestyle I lead (my only claim to extravagance being a car, a Macbook Pro and a closetful of clothes that I own), I honestly will not fret over loss of the same. Neither do I mind being married to a pauper. I do not crave for the material world. Its just that when I have the means, I go ahead and buy insanely expensive stuff. I'm only too happy to let it all go if need be. (this is not some monk-who-sold-his-ferrari crap... I really mean it).

4. If I see a similar outfit (that I also possess) on any other chick, I will NEVER wear it again. Duplicity is unforgivable!

5. I don't drink tea or coffee. Only bhais ka doodh for me. Go ahead and laugh now.

6. Despite the intimidating, fiercely-independent image that I tend to project, I'm still old-fashioned. If I ever pen a romantic tale, in it guys would chase girls and girls would be coy and shy. Darcy remains my favorite hero till date. They don't make more like him anymore!

7. As a kid, I was a tomboy. Right from cropped hair to an astute dislike for barbies, there was a point in time when I excelled at all things boyish. Playing cricket, strumming the guitar, a craze for video-games (Wolf 3D, NFS Underground, GTA3, Quake 3, Ghost Recon and Formula 1 Racing '99 were my forte), watching WWF, F1, having a weakness for sneakers.... you see.... pretty much everything except whistling or hooting at girls (thank God for small mercies). I'm pretty much reformed now, behave more like a girl and do nothing that I did as a kid. Not that I regret doing them. We all have our phases.

8. The best gift to give me is a book. Fiction only, mind you. The thicker it is, the better. I love the smell of new books. Also fresh newspapers, paint and kerosene. That's it. No more weird stuff.

9. I've had 3 serious crushes till now. One lasted a good 4 years. Never spoke to ANY of them till date. Never found the spunk to.

10. I'm not easily amused. Santa-Banta jokes won't work on me. Nope, not even a polite laugh. Only Rakhi Sawant makes me laugh. She never fails. I admire her for that.

There you go! Whew! That was tough. I have weirder stuff up my sleeves, but I'll save it for another time (can hear collective sighs of relief). After all, I still need to maintain my scarce audience, don't I?

Oh, I need to do one more bit - here are the sweethearts that I must tag (rules, what can I do?). Go ahead, darlings! Confess!

Deepti

Shikha

Indy

Ankit

Shup

Arslan

And another year...

Wishing all my readers (even if its only a few of you) a spectacular 2010! Be good, y'all! Thanks a zillion for visiting this blog, bearing with its myriad nuances (good, bad and the pagli) and cont ributing with your valuable comments..! Love you all so much :)

Music and Lyrics

Those who know me well might be surprised by what I'm going to write next. Can't blame you, I was stunned myself when I found myself swaying and humming along to an old song that was playing on TV - a handsome Dev Anand (yesteryear's of course) was serenading Simi Garewal with the melodic 'Khwaab ho tum ya koi Hakeekat'; perched on a piano and doing his famous, trademark head-nods. It brought back memories, some 22-odd years ago, when Dad would sing this beautiful song to the kiddo-me. Dad was a huge music-enthusiast in those days - he knew every popular Hindi song by heart (the older the song, the better) and showed off his vocal skills by singing to us, whenever we cried or were being particularly moody. My sister and I lapped it all up with joy... no wonder we still know these songs, despite they being churned out several decades ago. You still can't beat Dad at that so-ingrained-in-our-picnic-culture game of Antakshari, the mere mention of which evicts an agitated cry from me, mostly because I suck at it. A profound hate for this game is the sole reason why I don't travel by bus anymore, because you inevitably end up reflecting, 'Baithe baithe kya karein?' (how about sleeping, guys? Sigh, no takers!). Then someone gets a brainwave... the 'bright' idea of playing Antakshari has magically popped in his/her heavily constrained head, praise be the Lord! What follows next is anyone's guess. Very reluctantly, you are dragged into the silly charade, meanwhile fending off several allegations (don't be a spoilsport yaar/ so what if you have a sore throat/ so what if you don't know Hindi songs?/ don't worry, you are in 'both teams'). Then somewhere between Mumbai and Pune you find yourself singing horribly out of tune, clapping to imaginary drums, and making a colossal fool of yourself, because you know only the first 2 lines of the song, even fumbling with that. Almost immediately you hear wild cries of 'Cheating, cheating!! Minus 10!! Minus 10!!' Hey now, wait a minute.... WTF!! Didn't I tell you... no... INSISTED that I didn't want to play this dumb game before?!? Hmmmpf!! Bhalai ka zamaana hi nahi raha :(
PS: Note how effortlessly I have grossly digressed from the point of this post. Well, what can I say? Antakshari has that sort of an effect on me.

Anyway, I was saying.... that this appreciation for music (except Antakshari, of course) has passed on to me as well. During my teenage years, I underwent this metal/rock music phase (like most teenyboppers... in my time LP, and The Rasmus, for some reason were considered cool). However, sadly, this almost always had a disturbing and throbbing effect on any peace-loving soul that had the misfortune to co-habitat in my vicinity. Pounding headaches, cardiac arrests and even a burning desire to commit grave, multiple murders could not be ruled out; especially when Chester Bennington (of the LP fame) & Rob Zombie were yelling their lungs out from the confines of my speakers. My neighbour Uncle George, while passing by our house quipped one day, "Yeh Shastriji ka ghar nahi, koi Fernandes ka ghar lagta hai," then guffawing aloud at his own lame joke. Very funny uncle, HA HA HA. You couldn't get more stereotyped than THAT, even if you tried really hard to prove otherwise.

Fortunately, I have grown up (duh!) and am a much calmer and restrained version of the previous me. Uncle George now sleeps less fitfully and Mom has broken two coconuts at the local temple, as a symbol of great gratitude for rescuing her hearing faculties from total annihilation. Since this post began with a mention of one of my favorite songs, allow me to enlist a few more - songs that I can listen to at any hour of the day.

1. Home (Michael Buble) "Another aeroplane, another sunny place... I'm lucky, I know... but I wanna go home" Everyone of us can relate to that!

2. Starry, Starry Night (Josh Groban): "But I could've told you Vincent, this world wasn't meant for one as beautiful as you..." *goes weak in the knees*

3. Strawberry Swing (Coldplay): "Now the sky could be blue, I don't mind.... without you, its a waste of time" Awwwwww, Chris Martin... when you're around, everyone else is a waste of time!

4. Apologize (One Republic): "I loved you like a fire red, now its turnin' blue... And you say, sorry like the angel, heaven let me think was you... But I'm afraid its too late to apologize" Another broken heart? Too many of them these days! Misery loves company though!

4. Say it Right (Nelly Furtado): "No, you don't mean nothing at all to me... but you got what it takes to set me free.... Oh you could mean everything to me" Nelly says it right!

5. Aaoge Jab Tum (Ustad Rashid Khan): "Aaoge jab tum saajna... angana phool khilege.... barsega saawan jhoom jhoom ke… Do dil aise milenge" You can't go wrong with lyrics like these!
6. New Shoes (Paolo Nutini): "Hey, I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything is right" How many of us have felt THAT way one Monday morning?

7. Oxford Comma (Vampire Weekend): "Who gives a f**k about an Oxford comma? I've seen those English dramas too, they're cruel. So if there's any other way to spell the word, it's fine with me. Why would you speak to me that way, especially when I always said that I haven't got the words for you? All your diction dripping with disdain... through the pain I always tell the truth " Smartest lyrics I've heard in a long time!

8. In Da Club (50 Cent): The lyrics are too profane to be included here ;) But I'm positive that the whole world and its uncle LOVES this groovy hip hop number!

9. Kiss Me (Sixpence none the Richer): "Kiss me beneath the milky twilight, lead me out on the moonlit floor, lift your open hand strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, silver moon's sparkling, so kiss me" Mushiness rules!

10. Hello (Evanescence): "Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken... Hello.... I'm the lie living for you so you can hide" How the HELL do they come up with lyrics like these?

There are so many more.... but that's all I can think of right now! And yes, I have included one Hindi song so don't accuse me of being the angrez wannabe. I relate to the Queen's language more... not Hindi, not even my mother-tongue.... so run off, naysayers!

Kaleidoscopic Kerala

Its not for zilch they call it 'God's own Country'. Needless to say, Kerala transports you to a verdant landscape, some untouched by the vagaries of ruthless mankind. And you revel in it, allowing the scenic beauty, and not too seldom - the simplicity of it, to captivate and overwhelm you. In many ways it is very similar to Karnataka, my native state, however more lush and beautiful than the latter. Stately coconut trees and lavish churches are conspicuous by their multiplicity, you'll find them in every nook and corner. The people of Kerala are an amiable lot too - simple and extremely helpful. And special mention goes to the men (no, this is not about their potbellies and giant moustaches)... chivalry is their code! Every man, right from the bellboy to your taxi driver is so respectful towards women! This is evident in their behaviour - little things like holding the door open, not gawking/staring, passing rude comments.... I have never come across a disrespectful man in Kerala, yet - not even the hippies on their religious journey to Sabarimala (I saw hordes and hordes of them, clad in black). Hats off & more power to you guys!

As for Kerala - I'm coming back again!! I've not had enough of you! :) I miss the banana chips, home-made chocolates and the heavenly smell of spices already! Here are some snapshots of our stay at Thekkady, Munnar, Ashtamudi & Kollam.... Madurai too, but that's in Tamil Nadu. The pics defy the mere 6 MP Kodak camera that I was armed with. That's because each place is so beautiful, you don't need a fancy camera to capture their beauty!

Is any trip to Kerala complete without an elephant ride? Here's the beloved Bhagya (that's what our elephant was called) giving us a tour of a spice plantation... look at her posing for the camera....!

When we asked a firang who also rode the elephant to describe the experience, he replied, 'It was nice, it was funny.... it is kinda hard to explain'..... lol.... that aptly sums up our experience as well :)

The verdant spice plantation - the guide gave us a very detailed explanation of all the spices growing there - right from the king of spice (pepper), queen of spice (cardamom), price of spice (saffron) and princess of spice (vanilla).... phew! Bet you didn't know that too! :)

The mahout and his giant, but gentle ride... elephants are such docile animals!! But then, who wants to annoy them too?

The famous Kathakali mudra-dance - the costumes and face-paint are intriguing.... I wonder how the performers handle the complexity of it all!

The beginning of Kalaripayattu - the famous martial art from Kerala. They had dimmed the lights at the beginning of the performance giving the entire stage an ethereal feel.... beautiful, glowing diyas!

The performers were brilliant, each performing stunts more dangerous than the other, with swords, knives, spears and burning rings. What were their names??? Can remember only 3 - Muthu, Saijju and Kinchu (funny, na?)

Gladiator, anyone? These guys are menancing... swords clashed so hard and swiftly that they created sparks!

The very agile Muthu jumped through 2 fiery rings simultaneously. And I thought this sorta thing only happens on TV.... watching it live was unnerving. Brilliant stuff, though!

The breathtaking view from our resort at Munnar - a place well known for its numerous tea plantations

A tea garden at Munnar

A hill bedecked with tea plantations (Munnar)... the tea shrubs are short and stubby, and need constant tending to.

Whatta view! (on the way to Munnar)

I want to be on that little island!

The waterfall at Chellarkovil (near Thekkady).... we walked a good kilometre, through a narrow winding path, just to spot it

The view from Chellarkovil hills

That's the entrance to our resort at Ashtamudi - wondrous, wondrous place!

Our restaurant was on one of these rafts

I SO wanted to stay at Ashtamudi for much longer! Love the clouds in this pic...

Postcard-perfect!

Coconut trees and Kerala - you can't separate them!

Lazing in a hammock

The stately lighthouse (functional one) at Kollam

Why does this remind me of a candy bar?

The spiraling staircase to the top of the lighthouse. 200 steps in all. To the ones suffering from Vertigo - beware!

The view from the top of the lighthouse - see that church (in the middle) engulfed by coconut trees around it?

View of the Kollam coastline

Another spectacular view

And another...

Isn't this just beautiful? The Kollam coastline - pure and unadulterated!

Kollam beach

Mom insisted on visiting the Meenakshi temple at Madurai.... disinterested at first, my stance changed as soon as I spotted the temple - a magnificent, massive structure with so many details, it will stump you... indeed, God IS in the details!

Each sculpture of the massive structure tells a mythological story

You have to crane your necks to capture a picture of the Meenakshi temple, here - the South Tower

From aboard the aircraft, back home!

A Conversation behind Closed Doors

Got this lil' scream of an article in my inbox today and would like to share it with you.... it is a sneering (if not slightly hyperbolic) parody on the global financial mess that was and still is; and is a not-so subtle jab at the CEO's of the mammoth financial institutions that almost ruined the world (poor guys, they are being blamed for everything these days, from loss of jobs to loss of girlfriends). I like this article because it is blatant about facts that are usually not said aloud and is beautifully against the norm of silent affirmations. Although I work at one of them large global banks, I am sporting enough to spare a few laughs at ourselves. But first a disclaimer - like that small asterisk you see at the end of an unbelievably incredible-looking offer - NO, I am NOT part of the motley crew (yes, it took all kinds to create this mess) responsible for the global financial crisis. Infact, I work in a section of my bank that aims to reduce risks that the bank takes, owing to which it has fared pretty well vs. peers. Also, I do NOT know what 'fat bonuses' they are talking about.... they are certainly NOT trickling down to us minions!! Its the big guys who loot it all :(

By Rick Newman (US News)
An imagined conversation:

President Obama: Thanks for coming to the White House, everybody. I know how miserable it is to fly commercial, but thanks for doing it and for taking the subway over from the airport. The American people will appreciate that.
Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman Sachs: I got gum on my shoe. It’s ruined.
Obama: Sorry about that, Lloyd. Didn’t we include footwear expenses in the $14 billion your firm got from the AIG bailout?
Blankfein: No.
Obama:. Well, maybe next time. Look, as you all know, I called you "fat cats" recently, and I’ve been bashing you on TV. None of you are really that fat – Vik Pandit here is downright skinny—but I need some villains, and you guys make pretty good ones. I mean, look at you all. Americans are sick of middle-aged white guys in dark suits. That’s who’s been firing everybody. YOU GUYS have been firing everybody. It’s making my job a real pain. I came into office to completely revamp America’s socioeconomic framework, not to run a jobs bank for the next three years.
Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan Chase: We suck less.
Obama: Yeah, that was a good line, Jamie. Bit of advice, though: If you want to become a cabinet official someday, come up with a more uplifting slogan.
Anyway, here’s what I need from you guys. First, you need to lend more money to consumers and small businesses.
10 CEOs in unison: Nooooo!!!
Obama: Now hold on. I know lending is like the janitorial work of banking, and you’d all rather design triple-secret derivatives on your Cray supercomputers. But if you don’t start lending more, we’re going to start making all banking activities illegal except lending.
Vikram Pandit, Citigroup: We can’t lend more. We laid off our entire lending division.
Obama: Can’t you rehire some of them?
Pandit: The stock price would go down.
Obama: What are you at, Vik? Four bucks? You worried you’ll dip down to a dollar again? Tell ya what. Citi wants the government out of its business, so I’ll call Geithner and have him dump all of our shares….
Pandit: Sir, that would threaten the entire global financial sys….
Obama: I know! Your bank is so important that mothers couldn’t feed their babies if we let anything happen to you. So here’s what we’ll do. Let’s cut every Citi executive’s pay by 50 percent. That should free up about, let’s see here, $2 billion. Then you could put that into a fund and lend it to creditworthy Americans who need the money.
Pandit: But sir, if we cut our people’s pay, we’ll lose the talented bankers, brilliant bankers really, that we need to transform our business going forward.
Obama: Those would be the same talented guys who wrecked Citigroup, right?
Pandit: The global financial collapse was caused by a confluence of fac….
Obama: I know, Vik. But just tell me. Where are these talented bankers going to go? Is Goldman hard up for bankers?
Pandit: Well, Dimon’s been hiring.
Obama: Captain America! Jamie, you’ve stayed out of trouble. Do you want Vik’s talented bankers? They’ll work really hard if you give them a job—anything to escape poor old Citigroup and its stodgy government shareholder.
Dimon: Uh, actually, no.
Obama: Anybody else eager to poach [air quotes] talent from Citigroup?
[Silence.]
Obama: Didn’t think so. Let me ask all of you: Can anybody in this room cite one example where your bank suffered because it lost a talented executive?
Ken Lewis, Bank of America: I certainly can. B of A is losing me, because the board thinks I’m damaged goods. But I’m the one who BUILT this goddamn bank from a little North Carolina teller operation into the mightiest consumer bank in the world—
Obama: By buying hot properties like Countrywide and Merrill Lynch?
Lewis: Look, when you’re building an empire, you can’t get bogged down with details.
John Stumpf, Wells Fargo: I hate to interrupt, but could we get to the point of this meeting? Mr. President, with all due respect, you’ve got to stop cutting our pay and spreading the idea that we’re only worth $500,000 per year. That’s ridiculous. And I’m sick of holding company retreats at the Holiday Inn.
Obama: John, it says here that Wells Fargo received a $25 billion bailout from the Treasury Department. You planning on paying that back anytime soon?
Stumpf: And the American people should feel privileged to be able to give us that money! Uh, did I say give? I meant lend.
Obama: Has anybody in this room ever run for office?
CEOs in unison: Ewwww!
Blankfein: At Goldman Sachs, we prefer to be anointed, not elected.
Obama: That’s what I thought. So indulge me for a moment. Until the economy gets better, you guys are the equivalent of elected officials. People are watching. They’re angry. They want to throw the bums out, and the bums are you. So until things get better—Ken, where are you going?
Ken Lewis: I think I hear Bernanke coming. I’m just going to slip out this side door—
Obama: Ken, Bernanke’s on the Hill today. Chris Dodd asked him to testify about a new plan to have the Bureau of Mines regulate the banks, since they’d be more independent. He’s not here.
Lewis: You sure?
Obama: Yep, it’s OK, Ken. Relax. So as I was saying, I need you, the royalty of Wall Street, to think about the average voter. The little guy. The technician who fixes the elevator that goes to your penthouse. Your kids’ governess. The guy who takes your clubs out of the trunk at the club. Those people are out of money, and they need you to lend them some, so they can buy stuff and get the economy humming again.
Stumpf: The economy’s fine! Our stock is up 200 percent! The recession’s over!
Obama: Bear with me, John. So here’s what we’re going to do. I want all of you to lend more.
CEOs in unison: No!
Obama: I want new rules to limit the risky deals you guys love to do.
CEOs in unison: No!
Obama: I want new rules that will let the government break up your banks up if they get too big or do stupid things.
CEOs in unison: No!
Obama: And I want a new consumer protection agency that will stop you from dunning people with bogus fees and deceptive loans.
CEOs in unison: No!
Obama: And if you support me on all these initiatives, I’ll stop trying to cut your pay.
CEOs in unison: OK!
Obama: Glad we could work something out. Thanks for coming

**********

Wedding Wows

PS: (added on 8th Dec, '09): This post has been selected as a 'Tangy Tuesday' pick at Blogadda, here!! Thank you SO much guys!! I am so delighted - this is my first blog award!! :)

'Tis the season of happy unions, and for some unfortunate fellas - a fate worse than a lifetime of prison. But why oh why, do weddings throw up the same cloud bubbles over your head - of the grinning, marked-for-life couple with garlands (noose, anyone?) around the necks and never-ending rows of the world's yummiest cuisines awaiting thy much-emaciated presence? What about us, the harassed invitees (womenfolk, mostly), who are hounded from the day the wedding invitation arrives at the doorstep? Right from which outfit to wear (gentlemen please ignore, this does not apply to you.. I mean, how difficult is it to pick a shirt/kurta and a trouser?), which shoes to trot in, what purse/bag/clutch to hold (it should be 'matching-matching' with the outfit - Ma says), what accessories to wear, what gifts to buy and..... oh wait! This is most crucial - how to lose those extra kilos gained by OD'ing on your favorite cheese-burst pizza at Dominoes last week? Ok, ok... I admit... I don't have to worry about the last part (yet)... I am blessed with a terrific metabolism... a big *muah* to God! I must be your most biased creation! ;)

In case you don't have an outfit saved aside for a rainy day, one that your relatives/friends haven't already seen.... you are doomed, woman! Repeating outfits is a total no-no, a fashion crime, an unforgivable sin! A quick and desperate departure is made, to the nearest mall/boutique or wherever it is girls buy their threads from. In case a tailor (call me a stylist, dahling!) is involved - 'Bhaiyya, bahut urgent hai.... kal hi chahiye' is hastily muttered, only to be met by a pair of severely arched eyebrows that could give the Arc de Triomphe a complex - telling you you're not the first to order him around, so don't 'bhaiyya' him please. But you coo and boo-hoo, and he finally relents. Ha! One down, several more to go! Hasty purchases of shoes, bags, accessories are then made at the speed of light, that long-impending haircut is niptao-ed and your nails are scrubbed until they scream luminosity. The more enterprising will go to the lengths of fixing an appointment with the local salon to turn them ugly ducklings into beautiful white swans (I never understood bleaching, scrubbing and whatever it is that women do to their faces). A hairdo is picked with a carefully manicured finger from a glossy magazine - that should make me look like Angelina Jolie.... huff-puff..... damn! The 'pitts' we go to!! ;)

The D-day finally arrives. You're more nervous than the poor groom himself. Who will come today? I hope that irritating aunt doesn't come, she always bores me to death (beta, when are you getting married, tee-hee... as if she cracked the world's funniest joke) and I hope uncle forgets to set his alarm - he is always cracking dumb PJ's, to a sparse audience of mostly - me! Oh, but I hope... really really hope *insert-droolworthy-crush-here* DOES come, I have gone through SO much effort for him! Once you've made a mental list of who is worthy to come and not come to the wedding, you arrive only to find all those you detest are there first! The entire place reeks of dirty, sexy money (I borrowed that phrase), opulence and some heavy-duty flaunting about. You have the fattest aunties bedecked in more jewellery than the bride and her mother put together, you have all the mota-boys (uncles) flashing their multi-ringed fingers and dual/triad mobile phones at each other. The kids are running helter-skelter, dropping a drink here, sullying the carpet there.... and the waiters (poor things, they look the biggest lost souls of all!) are hurrying around, catering to many whims and fancies. The whole occasion is of apparent merriment, but it is also of muted, and more often - vicious jealousy - 'how the hell did that tramp manage to get her hands on such an expensive sari?' Or, 'look, how much gold she is wearing - is she a walking-talking goldmine?' Or, the judging 'look, such a short, tight dress.... I wonder how she breathes!' Note that all these observations come from women (surprise, surprise!). The most vile of creatures!

But not all behave in a petty fashion - some are really happy for the bride and groom.... especially me - whenever I am witness to a love marriage! So lucky these chaps are! To find your love and then to marry him/her.... just wonderful! You greet the newly-weds and wish them all the success and happiness in the world!

Who can ignore the protesting, growling belly by now? A beeline for the food counter is made; suddenly people appear from nowhere - 9 pm is when the guests actually start trickling in... JIT.... what a coincidence, na? You have to contend with large plates, larger bowls and that stupid napkin under the plate that threatens to slip away anytime. Soon you are juggling them all like a jittery circus clown on his first show. Paneer is inevitably the hot favorite and you find the long queue clogging up at that one mecca of gastric indulgence. After you've cleaned up the Chinese, Chaat and Mexican counters, you hop over to the dessert section and maul it. After you've let a belch or two out (yes, I heard that Uncle... it must be yucky being you!) you know you've had enough. Haath khaali, peth full. Time to go. Another day well wasted.

I haven't even given you a full glimpse into the Great (Indian) Wedding Tamasha. Lest the reader (yes, poor you.... if you've managed this far, you deserve a large medal for tolerance) doze off, I have curtailed my severely itching fingers to type more. I would love to hear from you guys any anecdotes/tales of a big fat wedding that you have attended. They always fascinate me.... nowhere will you see such a kitsch of emotions, blessings and colors blend into one perfect product - the Indian version of the 'happily ever after'. The bottomline being - *addressed to the couple in question* - you better not break up, dearies.... after all, we spent so much on the wedding! We don't want all that to go in vain!

Mad over Bandra!

If there's one place in Mumbai that I could visit again and again.... it would undoubtedly be Bandra. Such a intriguing place it is! Consider its myriad attractions - it has some of the most chic neighbourhoods & is centrally located - not too crowded though. It is also home to some of the best restaurants, pubs, bakeries & salons, nestled in the most unheard of bylanes (I have been through some very tapering lanes & was surprised to discover some very reputable hangouts there!) & is the undisputed shopper's paradise (two words - Linking Road!). For the star-struck, Bandra also boasts of addresses of most Bollywood stars, heritage-rich buildings, the famed Jogger's Park, heavenly churches and of course, the long, beautiful (ok ok.. slightly messy) promenades of Carter Road & Bandstand. I never tire of this quaint lil' neighbourhood :) So it was only inevitable that I visit the Bandra festival, if not to participate, yet only just to celebrate the place....

We (including Deepz... who has wonderfully described our night-out) started our soiree in Bandra by visiting the famed Mount Mary church..... it is so serene here, you can actually hear people breathing..... the altar looks more beautiful everytime I visit!

Everyone has seen this! The view from Mount Mary.... that building jutting out into the sky and the calm sea beyond..... beautiful view, if you ignore that stupid wire running across!

Tough on Tobacco, a band that I instantly liked..... with the talented Sid Coutto at the vocals & someone spectacular on the violins.... dunno his name (or number!)

Behold my surprise when I saw the kids of Ashray (where I go to teach) performing a dance!! I was delighted to watch them & cheered them on (apart from donating my water bottle to them - it was empty when it came back to me!). Strange as it may sound, I felt so proud of them, as if my own kids were on stage! :) I was beaming, full of pride throughout their performance & clapped the loudest at the end!

This is Monica, from Shair 'n Funk.... an emerging, exciting new band. Her eccentric ways took a little while to getting used to (more because she had a shock-to-impress style about her, what with bindis- yes, plural - dotting her face & her wild hair flying in the air), but nonetheless, the music was spellbinding....

Monica again, bathed in psychedelic colors

Pentagram came and conquered! The crowd which was until now just swaying to the music, suddenly became boisterous! Here's Vishal Dadlani of Pentagram (he was so close!).... they rocked the crowd with a cool rendition of 'Smack my B#tch Up' by Prodigy, amongst many other hits of theirs. Vishal came across as a talented crooner & an engaging entertainer, however he needs to tone down the foul language, please! Not cool!

I like this pic (took an effort to take pictures, what with the head-banging crowd thoroughly outta control!), Vishal here looks like he's eclipsed! An awesome night of good music & fun!

A year on...

They say, 'Time heals Everything'. Well, atleast the mind it does! A year ago, I was a broken girl - with my world disintegrating rapidly around me.... nothing was going right. I wondered how on earth would I emerge from all that mess. A melee of emotions constantly surrounded me - each more worse than the other - I was scared, terrified, demoralized, abandoned, alone and could confide in no one, since the pain just wouldn't give me the courage to. Shame and fear caused my confidence to ebb, almost to a point of total fade-out. I had become a mere shadow of my previous chirpy self, this vicissitude transforming me into a zombie... going about things, because I was told to or because it was the only perfunctory thing to do. I dreaded the months to come.... as I knew they would be the hardest, most merciless & terribly agonizing. Tears wouldn't stop and the screams at night - when the world is at its unfriendliest, darkest best - didn't get any quieter. The agony was not unfounded or trivial. It is not everyday you lose the one person you love AND watch your father's life being on the brink, both at the same, wretched time. A weaker mortal would've lost his mind.

But He made me of stronger stuff. I owe my sanity today to that strength He instilled in me, in great abundance. You may see a scrawny me on the outside, but my mind's now made of sterner stuff. HOW did I do that? After failing miserably to placate my heart, I moved on to control the mind - that wondrous, crafty lil' thing that oh-so-loves to play tricks with us - in order to prevent the contagion of torment from spreading. So I occupied myself, engaged in teaching kids (the best thing I ever did!), bought myself lots of stuff, traveled a lot more, worked harder at work, spent time with my friends (my rocks!) and took life on - headlong - with a new-found vengeance. I will not let a failed relationship devastate my life, I said. If someone wants to break me, they'll have to try godawfully harder. I ain't going down without a fight. And fight, I did. I haven't won the battle yet, the wounds are deep, but hey - I'm SO much closer to winning now. Its evident... I am a calmer, happier person today.... hell, I even have a crush on someone now! And I like the new me. Smiling, instead of crying. Helping, instead if needing any help.

As is (boringly) custom, I will end this post with a sort of a sermon (atleast its not another rant!). So folks, I say the mind is always easier to tame than the heart. Celine Dion once famously sang - the heart will go on..... and indeed it will (what will make us humans otherwise?). But if you have to survive with all that callousness and unpredictability around you or anything that threatens to snatch your sanity from you - gather your wits fellas! The mind must not go astray. It is the only darned thing you've got in this world that you can control and still be happy. So I conclude by saying - hold those reins tight, don't ever let go!

Starry, Starry Night

I'm fairly acquainted with Western rock music, having spent most of my teenage years listening to various rock bands (thereby angering many a flustered neighbour). The Indian rock scene is vague to me and I can only take a few names without resorting to the 'search' button on Google - Motherjane, Pentagram, Indus Creed etc. Now I can add Parikrama to the list. Having attended their concert at NITIE this Friday, I'm convinced our 'desi rock bands' (as Anusha Dandekar irritatingly chirrups on MTV) are as talented as their Western counterparts. We're not far behind!

The beautiful and sprawling campus of NITIE (It has a lake! It looked fabulous by night!) at Powai served as a perfect backdrop for this 2-hour rock extravaganza. Having entered the grounds, I nudged my way forward with my pals to the front, towards the moshpit of the sweaty, smoking, head-banging crowd (quite an eclectic bunch; we had one whale of a time yelling out at them!) and voila - there they were - Parikrama in their element! Special mention goes to Sonam Sherpa (we lovingly called him 'Motuu') who plays the lead guitars (and also the harmonica) in the band. He was the cutest & best-est!!! His fantastic rendition of 'Saare Jahaan Se Achcha' was superb and had us all chanting in rhythm. Another guy who stood out was the violinist - Imran Khan. What a stunning performer! He played the violin like someone possessed. Hats off to these wonderful, gifted guys - it ain't easy to get to the top - especially in a niche market like India. A google search revealed a surprising fact - these guys have been around for nearly 18 years! Sad that only a handful know of this extremely talented band's existence. Here are a few pics from the concert - hopefully these guys will be around, enthralling us for a long time to come :) Heartfelt thanks to Mayank for the passes and Vibz for some of the photos below (your digicam was a lifesaver!)

When we entered...

Lights, (my camera) and Action!

Imran, doling out a spellbinding performance

Imran & Sonam (Motuu.. I luv uuu) - what a duo!

Lakeside, fooling around :)