Wedding Wows

PS: (added on 8th Dec, '09): This post has been selected as a 'Tangy Tuesday' pick at Blogadda, here!! Thank you SO much guys!! I am so delighted - this is my first blog award!! :)

'Tis the season of happy unions, and for some unfortunate fellas - a fate worse than a lifetime of prison. But why oh why, do weddings throw up the same cloud bubbles over your head - of the grinning, marked-for-life couple with garlands (noose, anyone?) around the necks and never-ending rows of the world's yummiest cuisines awaiting thy much-emaciated presence? What about us, the harassed invitees (womenfolk, mostly), who are hounded from the day the wedding invitation arrives at the doorstep? Right from which outfit to wear (gentlemen please ignore, this does not apply to you.. I mean, how difficult is it to pick a shirt/kurta and a trouser?), which shoes to trot in, what purse/bag/clutch to hold (it should be 'matching-matching' with the outfit - Ma says), what accessories to wear, what gifts to buy and..... oh wait! This is most crucial - how to lose those extra kilos gained by OD'ing on your favorite cheese-burst pizza at Dominoes last week? Ok, ok... I admit... I don't have to worry about the last part (yet)... I am blessed with a terrific metabolism... a big *muah* to God! I must be your most biased creation! ;)

In case you don't have an outfit saved aside for a rainy day, one that your relatives/friends haven't already seen.... you are doomed, woman! Repeating outfits is a total no-no, a fashion crime, an unforgivable sin! A quick and desperate departure is made, to the nearest mall/boutique or wherever it is girls buy their threads from. In case a tailor (call me a stylist, dahling!) is involved - 'Bhaiyya, bahut urgent hai.... kal hi chahiye' is hastily muttered, only to be met by a pair of severely arched eyebrows that could give the Arc de Triomphe a complex - telling you you're not the first to order him around, so don't 'bhaiyya' him please. But you coo and boo-hoo, and he finally relents. Ha! One down, several more to go! Hasty purchases of shoes, bags, accessories are then made at the speed of light, that long-impending haircut is niptao-ed and your nails are scrubbed until they scream luminosity. The more enterprising will go to the lengths of fixing an appointment with the local salon to turn them ugly ducklings into beautiful white swans (I never understood bleaching, scrubbing and whatever it is that women do to their faces). A hairdo is picked with a carefully manicured finger from a glossy magazine - that should make me look like Angelina Jolie.... huff-puff..... damn! The 'pitts' we go to!! ;)

The D-day finally arrives. You're more nervous than the poor groom himself. Who will come today? I hope that irritating aunt doesn't come, she always bores me to death (beta, when are you getting married, tee-hee... as if she cracked the world's funniest joke) and I hope uncle forgets to set his alarm - he is always cracking dumb PJ's, to a sparse audience of mostly - me! Oh, but I hope... really really hope *insert-droolworthy-crush-here* DOES come, I have gone through SO much effort for him! Once you've made a mental list of who is worthy to come and not come to the wedding, you arrive only to find all those you detest are there first! The entire place reeks of dirty, sexy money (I borrowed that phrase), opulence and some heavy-duty flaunting about. You have the fattest aunties bedecked in more jewellery than the bride and her mother put together, you have all the mota-boys (uncles) flashing their multi-ringed fingers and dual/triad mobile phones at each other. The kids are running helter-skelter, dropping a drink here, sullying the carpet there.... and the waiters (poor things, they look the biggest lost souls of all!) are hurrying around, catering to many whims and fancies. The whole occasion is of apparent merriment, but it is also of muted, and more often - vicious jealousy - 'how the hell did that tramp manage to get her hands on such an expensive sari?' Or, 'look, how much gold she is wearing - is she a walking-talking goldmine?' Or, the judging 'look, such a short, tight dress.... I wonder how she breathes!' Note that all these observations come from women (surprise, surprise!). The most vile of creatures!

But not all behave in a petty fashion - some are really happy for the bride and groom.... especially me - whenever I am witness to a love marriage! So lucky these chaps are! To find your love and then to marry him/her.... just wonderful! You greet the newly-weds and wish them all the success and happiness in the world!

Who can ignore the protesting, growling belly by now? A beeline for the food counter is made; suddenly people appear from nowhere - 9 pm is when the guests actually start trickling in... JIT.... what a coincidence, na? You have to contend with large plates, larger bowls and that stupid napkin under the plate that threatens to slip away anytime. Soon you are juggling them all like a jittery circus clown on his first show. Paneer is inevitably the hot favorite and you find the long queue clogging up at that one mecca of gastric indulgence. After you've cleaned up the Chinese, Chaat and Mexican counters, you hop over to the dessert section and maul it. After you've let a belch or two out (yes, I heard that Uncle... it must be yucky being you!) you know you've had enough. Haath khaali, peth full. Time to go. Another day well wasted.

I haven't even given you a full glimpse into the Great (Indian) Wedding Tamasha. Lest the reader (yes, poor you.... if you've managed this far, you deserve a large medal for tolerance) doze off, I have curtailed my severely itching fingers to type more. I would love to hear from you guys any anecdotes/tales of a big fat wedding that you have attended. They always fascinate me.... nowhere will you see such a kitsch of emotions, blessings and colors blend into one perfect product - the Indian version of the 'happily ever after'. The bottomline being - *addressed to the couple in question* - you better not break up, dearies.... after all, we spent so much on the wedding! We don't want all that to go in vain!