Oh Really?

Moral of the picture* above: If you thought bosses belong to the Mesozoic era, you couldn't be more mistaken. They have caught up fast and how! Its not that employees have run out of novel excuses to bunk the day off (one ex-colleague said he injured his left toe and hence could not drive down to office... WTF!! What is your left toe expected to do at work anyway? Do the samba with the office hottie?) The point being - employees will continue to be at their innovative best... the trick is how to make your excuse look genuine and back it up with facts. It certainly won't help if said colleague turns up in the pink of health at the annual sack-race the next day and goes on to beat the others by a mile. A little limping about and a thick bandage around the 'unfortunate' toe (for added effect) will serve the purpose adequately. Also don't take the day off saying you have constipation and end up posting pictures of you and the gang at the local pizza parlor, ODing on your tenth cheese-burst pizza. The cure for constipation isn't aiming for some more constipation. So folks, faff if you want to... but be careful.... your boss is lurking about in your facebook/twitter profile... keeping count of how many animals you bred in your zoo in Farmville (the most irritating game on FB) or how many mafia members you 'iced' in Mafia Wars (irritating again, but highly addictive!).... beware guys! The big boss is always on the prowl for lil' tidbits on you and your virtual hang-abouts! ;)

*Pic courtesy: http://krishashok.wordpress.com/

All Work, no Play

September has been pretty uneventful so far, which means I jabber a lot less on this over-worked page. Worked my arse off during the first half, following which I can now give a discourse on Swiss private banks and banking secrecy (provided anyone wants to hear it); cursed MTNL as they delivered poor triband service once again (they are so predictable! Of the 24 days in this month, I had access for only 5) and reached level 129 in Mafia Wars (ho-hum; yes, I am a sworn-addict!) . The only highlight was the arrival of my Macbook Pro. Yes, it is indeed everything it promises to be. And much more. Everything else (read Windows & desktop PCs) pales in comparison. Now only if I could replace the dabba PC at work with the Macbook, I would breeze through my assignments! Sigh.... if wishes were horses!!

Speaking of work, completed 2 years at Deutsche Bank now. Although it seems more morbid as I write it, the feeling is nothing of that sort. It seems like just yesterday when I stepped into the huge, imposing office - a nervous girl, full of apprehension of how things will turn out. It was only my first job. However, the experience has been fun, rewarding and I can confidently say, I am much wiser than the ignoramus I was 2 years back ;) Made some friends here, learnt a lot and generally kept myself away from office-politics and trouble (yes, I'm an insufferable bore). Not to mention, the paycheck I take home every month. That's the best and most fulfilling part of this job! Come to think of it, it is for any job!

It is only apt I upload some pics of work. Here they are, the second one was taken chupke se - it is strictly prohibited to take snaps of the office premises:

I know, I know - my desk's laden with girly stuff. But I like to come to an adorned desk every morning. Helps me cheer up! Oh, and everyone thinks its the neatest desk in the place. The Virgo (and OCD) in me is proud!

Its SO hard to click a picture of the office premises (this is only part of it)- what with Hitler-like security guards baying for any camera-click-happy enthusiast. But I managed to sneak out a quick snap anyway, when the guard was looking away!

PS: Now that I've waxed eloquent 'bout my work, can I get that raise please?

Man on Fire

The annual fire drill at my workplace (pic alongside) has always been a ho-hum event. Before the ceremony, mails fly around with alarming frequency, their jumbo sizes clogging the inbox (courtesy - huge jpegs of the building's plan). Instructions and diagrams of the office building and hidden staircases are flung at you dime-a-dozen, but are dismissed with a mere slight of the hand. The usual laggards who are up to the back of their teeth with overdues moan and groan, and inform anyone who would care to listen about how the drill is one colossal squander of precious time. But wait, barely are they aware of the treat that's about to be presented to them this year once the fire alarm goes off.

So the first alarm rings out and is received with cries of 'bhago bhago... aag lagi hai'. Our floor warden appears from nowhere with a bright-yellow cap and seems horribly lost himself. People cluster around him, awaiting instructions. None forthcoming. But then the second alarm goes off, screeching like a banshee in pain now. The door to a staircase opens to our left, that I didn't even know existed. Down we go like little ants in a line. And assemble at one central area. Maybe 2000 of us. So far so good. None of us have been burnt or roasted alive (cause there's no frigging fire, smartypants!).

Then comes THE man of the moment. Fully decked with tie and fluorescent orange lifesaver jacket in place. Also equipped with a mike in hand and a bad-ass public address system (woofers and all) set up around him. Only for him and no one else. (I even reserved a paragraph for his entry - simply cause he over-awed me).

He opens his mouth. A gasp escapes the crowd. Cause this is no winnie-the-pooh kinda voice. Its a booming one. Full of promise, great things and a sensationally heavy South Indian accent. Sample some gems from his speech (which the chap has no doubt been rehearsing for over a year for his big day):

"Keep waaaaking, keep waaaaking", "Only waaaaking, no taaaaking!" (at which the crowd first begins to notice the genius of the man)

Now,

"Can I haaave all the yyyelloww colored peepal with me please?" (reference to floor wardens with yellow caps). He demands that we give them a big round of applause which we hesitatingly do, considering we saved our own arses.

Then,

"I saw two peepal with kaafee cups in their hands... very irrrrrrrrrritating!" (his jarring 'r's were hard-hitting and were a hit with most South-Indians in the crowd, me included).

"Also I saw the ladies waaaaking slowwwly... like in marrrriage function... irrrrrrrrrritating!!!" (this invited sniggers from a sprinkling of the crowd, mostly men, who could relate to this fascinating, knowledgeable man).

"This building is built with most maaderrrrn materials to save yourrr life, like in World Trade Centre, Uphaar theatre etc. etc." (this was mind-boggling considering these places were burnt to the ground). "This (office) is private body, not government body!" (Everyone laughs).

"Can I see yevveryone's IDs please?" (everyone raises their ids). "Rrrrrubbish! That is NOT your ID. THIS (pointing to his face, making circular motions) is your ID my frrrriends! Save that, my frrrriends!!!" (A section of the crowd is impressed, they clap).

"Rrrraise your rrrright hands," (everyone does). "I see some left hands frrrriends.... not left.... left is for somethingg yelse....!!" (Now the whole crowd is extremely amused... gives him a healthy applause).

As if this has boosted his morale, the gentleman goes on with more gusto:
"Safety is yimparrrtant. Like HELMET. H for head, E for eyes, L for lips, M for mouth, E for ears and T for tongue!" (Now completely floored, the crowd gives him another another round of robust applause).

"Bengalooru has one caaaman numberrrr... Chennai has one caaaman numberrrr... 108 for police, firrre brrrigade, ambulance etc. But Mumbai has differrrent numbers... 100, 101, 103 etc. But WAIT my frrrrrriends.... Mumbai will get one caaaman number soon! Till then my frrrriends, don't die!!!" (This was too much for the crowd - they now give him a rousing ovation! Some hoot for him!)

Whatta speech!! Truly stunning! I tell you, if this swashbuckler-of-a-guy stands for the elections, he would be a roaring hit. He would annihilate all competition and make even apna Laloo look like a stale comedian.

Mr. Fireman.... you got my vote for sure! And the odd-2000 'peepal' from my office too!

Peeving times

I am sitting back at work late today and I'm terribly cross. There's no reason for this petulant frame of mind (does there have to be? I'm a woman.... now go figure!) that justifies the foul mood I'm in. Maybe its those dratted numbers I look at everyday on the smug, blindingly white screen in front of me. Rows and rows of numbers (down to the 4th decimal.... aaaargh!) all waiting for me to deconstruct them and formulate an opinion. Isn't it funny (or irritating in my case) how the only things in this world that cry for my attention are numbers (not telephone numbers of Greek hunks, dum-dum, but financial numbers.... in annual reports, equity reports, credit reports, report of reports and all that fancy jazz.... damn them all!) Is the entity-in-question in trouble or will it sail through? Does its rating deserve a downgrade? What! An upgrade? In THIS environment? Have you been drinking again? I say, they could all deep fry in hell for all I care. But then, I get paid for analysing such numbers, so maybe I shouldn't grumble much. Coming back to the crux of this very vexatious post, I'm still not done being generally pissed off at the whole wide world at large. So much so that I want to hurl this keyboard at someone really annoying, for instance and watch the unfortunate chap wince. To add more depth to the present intense mood I am in, I start thinking about things that really bug me. It could be anything - people, their acts, freaks of nature, nature itself.... anything and everything qualifies for my complete and unwavering distaste for them. So here's the infamous list I've annoyingly compiled, the end-result of which only irritates me more as it makes me wanna hurl the entire row of computers in my immediate line-of-vision at anyone who dares meddle with me today. So, before you brand me as an obnoxious & insufferable fusspot, without further ado, I present the 10 things that put me off, royally. (This is infact an exercise in futility, as it hasn't calmed me down at all). Anyhoo.... here they are:

1. Reading annual reports (no grand surprise at all, as that's what got me started on this fret-trip in the first place, innit?)
2. Loud talking on the phone (missed the No.1 spot by a whisker; this particular act is really bothersome as it makes me feel like I practically know the person at the end of the day, thanks to his/her ear-splitting voice)
3. Too much talking (some people just won't stop... zaraa zubaan be lagaam daalo, berehamiyon!)
4. An irritating 'No' when you ask the rickshaw-wallah 'I.C. Colony jaaoge?' Grrr... why are you driving your gas-guzzling, fat-arse rickshaw in the first place if you don't wanna go anywhere?
5. People wasting water - the maid with the water tap on when the bucket's full; Mom, when she's washing vegetables atleast 5 times (totally unecessary!); public toilets where the water tap keeps running; that huge tank carrying water, half of which is leaking away etc etc.
6. Ego-maniacs, show-offs & self-obsessed people (do I need to elucidate more? I meet my fair share of such losers DAILY!)
7. When it rains just when I step out from home. Now there's no avoiding that muck that will generously spray on your brand new outfit today.
8. Liars. I truly despise them.
9. Mumbai's crowded trains. Not to add, the filth around (spit, garbage, dead crows, stray dogs, plastic... yuck!)
10. The 'Work in Progress' sign on the road. Our safari-clad-babus have a knack for handpicking the smoothest of roads for digging by giving some godforsaken reason: telephone cable repair, sewer repair, pothole repair etc etc. This 'progressing work' will invariably go on for a decade. Even ants work faster! Its such a nightmare to drive on Mumbai's dug-up roads.

Oh I could go on and on. But then your brain would perhaps suffer a haemorrhage (its a miracle if you're still reading this by now). So, in cognizance of your well-being and the fact that its 8.05 pm now and I haven't left the office (GOSH!... I gotta run!) I will stop. Until my next tirade!

The Week's Memories

Its been a crazy week... no surprise as it was Diwali after all. The festival of shiny bright lights, several-hued rangolis, oily diyas, fattening (and after some time, repulsive) sweets, pop-in-at-any-time relatives, fake/genuine smiles but most gleeful of all - SPARKLIN' NEW CLOTHES!

Here are some pics I clicked of the lovely rangolis at my workplace and of course, at home:

Meanwhile, I also found the time to splash around in a waterpark at Karjat during this maniacal week. Tucked away amidst the rolling mountains of the Sahyadris, this was one adventure in nature's wilderness. Some crazy water-rides were situated right atop a mini-mountain and we came swishing down it. Totally whacked-out! You'll find below some pics from the waterpark, get a load of the greenery around! Pleasing!

The red body-slide (to the left above) was completely MAD! The topmost slide was a wicked 90 degree drop and it terrified us. I was shaking at the end of the first slide (screaming my lungs out, the water spraying in my face, blinding me and my arms flailing wildly), but gathered enough courage to do it another 3 times!

The 2 rides above were a breeze, as we had boats we could park our arses in. Super-fun was the tube ride (above right) where we winded down it, yelling our throats out. The red slide looked menacing again, but after the previous red slide, this one was a ninny-ride! We went over-and-over in these rides, enjoying the adrenalin rush that came with it.

All in all - fultoo paisa vasool!