Man on Fire

The annual fire drill at my workplace (pic alongside) has always been a ho-hum event. Before the ceremony, mails fly around with alarming frequency, their jumbo sizes clogging the inbox (courtesy - huge jpegs of the building's plan). Instructions and diagrams of the office building and hidden staircases are flung at you dime-a-dozen, but are dismissed with a mere slight of the hand. The usual laggards who are up to the back of their teeth with overdues moan and groan, and inform anyone who would care to listen about how the drill is one colossal squander of precious time. But wait, barely are they aware of the treat that's about to be presented to them this year once the fire alarm goes off.

So the first alarm rings out and is received with cries of 'bhago bhago... aag lagi hai'. Our floor warden appears from nowhere with a bright-yellow cap and seems horribly lost himself. People cluster around him, awaiting instructions. None forthcoming. But then the second alarm goes off, screeching like a banshee in pain now. The door to a staircase opens to our left, that I didn't even know existed. Down we go like little ants in a line. And assemble at one central area. Maybe 2000 of us. So far so good. None of us have been burnt or roasted alive (cause there's no frigging fire, smartypants!).

Then comes THE man of the moment. Fully decked with tie and fluorescent orange lifesaver jacket in place. Also equipped with a mike in hand and a bad-ass public address system (woofers and all) set up around him. Only for him and no one else. (I even reserved a paragraph for his entry - simply cause he over-awed me).

He opens his mouth. A gasp escapes the crowd. Cause this is no winnie-the-pooh kinda voice. Its a booming one. Full of promise, great things and a sensationally heavy South Indian accent. Sample some gems from his speech (which the chap has no doubt been rehearsing for over a year for his big day):

"Keep waaaaking, keep waaaaking", "Only waaaaking, no taaaaking!" (at which the crowd first begins to notice the genius of the man)

Now,

"Can I haaave all the yyyelloww colored peepal with me please?" (reference to floor wardens with yellow caps). He demands that we give them a big round of applause which we hesitatingly do, considering we saved our own arses.

Then,

"I saw two peepal with kaafee cups in their hands... very irrrrrrrrrritating!" (his jarring 'r's were hard-hitting and were a hit with most South-Indians in the crowd, me included).

"Also I saw the ladies waaaaking slowwwly... like in marrrriage function... irrrrrrrrrritating!!!" (this invited sniggers from a sprinkling of the crowd, mostly men, who could relate to this fascinating, knowledgeable man).

"This building is built with most maaderrrrn materials to save yourrr life, like in World Trade Centre, Uphaar theatre etc. etc." (this was mind-boggling considering these places were burnt to the ground). "This (office) is private body, not government body!" (Everyone laughs).

"Can I see yevveryone's IDs please?" (everyone raises their ids). "Rrrrrubbish! That is NOT your ID. THIS (pointing to his face, making circular motions) is your ID my frrrriends! Save that, my frrrriends!!!" (A section of the crowd is impressed, they clap).

"Rrrraise your rrrright hands," (everyone does). "I see some left hands frrrriends.... not left.... left is for somethingg yelse....!!" (Now the whole crowd is extremely amused... gives him a healthy applause).

As if this has boosted his morale, the gentleman goes on with more gusto:
"Safety is yimparrrtant. Like HELMET. H for head, E for eyes, L for lips, M for mouth, E for ears and T for tongue!" (Now completely floored, the crowd gives him another another round of robust applause).

"Bengalooru has one caaaman numberrrr... Chennai has one caaaman numberrrr... 108 for police, firrre brrrigade, ambulance etc. But Mumbai has differrrent numbers... 100, 101, 103 etc. But WAIT my frrrrrriends.... Mumbai will get one caaaman number soon! Till then my frrrriends, don't die!!!" (This was too much for the crowd - they now give him a rousing ovation! Some hoot for him!)

Whatta speech!! Truly stunning! I tell you, if this swashbuckler-of-a-guy stands for the elections, he would be a roaring hit. He would annihilate all competition and make even apna Laloo look like a stale comedian.

Mr. Fireman.... you got my vote for sure! And the odd-2000 'peepal' from my office too!